Tuesday, 10 January 2017

How are you?

Whenever anyone utters those three little words "How are you?" what do we reply?  "I'm fine!" of course!   Unless it is my daughters or my husband and then I say "I am 'as usual'" and they know that means I am no better and no worse.  But we still say 'fine'.  Why?  Because it saves us a lot of disinterested responses and also saves our enquirer from having to change the subject!   Unless a person truly cares, unless a person is truly interested, seriously, they do not want to really know! ;)  But, because I feel like it and because I have nothing else to do, I am going to tell you.   You may leave this page now if you are not really interested, I'll let you. ;)

I am knackered.  I had 9 hours sleep yet I woke up feeling like I had none at all.  In fact, I could not even raise my head from the pillow for a good 20 minutes upon waking and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep.  Often though, I do not sleep at all until say, 9am the next day so imagine how I feel then?

I ache.  Every bone, joint and muscle aches and burns.  A slow, dull ache that never leaves me in spite of taking codeine and paracetamol at least twice a day.  I hide my pain.  Nobody wants to see that do they?

I sit here with the curtains closed most of the day.  I cannot stand bright light and our living room is south facing.  Bright light actually hurts my eyes so much now that it makes my teeth ache?  I wear sunglasses in the day time, even through winter, unless it is very dull and cloudy.

My hearing is hypersensitive.  I cannot be in busy public places because of it.  That background hum of many people talking that you are so used to makes me want to run away (if I could) and induces such an anxiety inside me that I can almost have a panic attack!   I cannot abide the sudden loud squeals of children or sudden loud laughing from adults.  Even something like the TV where presenters are rattling on and on and then the blurb of adverts can also make me feel bad.  I carry around small sets of musicians ear plugs to drown out back ground noise.

Skin crawling, sudden stabbing sensations etc.  I take a pill three times a day for these and luckily it works for the most part - but not always.

Dizzyness.  This one sneaks up on me and it does not care where I am either!   The ground 'moves' and I sway.   I might bang into things or stumble.   I am usually pretty good at hiding it though as I fear people might think I am drunk.

Nausea.  Luckily not one of my worst symptoms but again something that can sneak up on me.  As I have a bit of a phobia about being sick, this is not a symptom I actually enjoy to say the least!

Depression.  This laps at my heels like an over attentive puppy.  It is partly frustration because I so want to do something that is now beyond my capabilities and partly despair because this illness seems to be never ending, with no respite.  But, I suck it up and I carry on.

Headaches.  These can be as severe as a sudden vice like grip on the top of my skull or just an annoying, persistent mild ache.  You are unlikely to notice as I hide them a lot. 

Cognitive impairment.  I forget a lot.  An awful lot!   I cannot concentrate.  I cannot take in new info.  I can however tell you what I learned even 30 years ago but tell you what I did yesterday?  I might have to consult my husband about that!

So yes, this is how I feel most days, sometimes worse, sometimes not quite so bad but it is usually pretty consistent.   This is why I cannot work and socialise as I used to.

With the advent of social media, nobody bothers to come round to see how a person is anymore much less phone.  Sad fact.  If I deleted Facebook, I would be almost totally lonely.  Yet because I do use Facebook, I feel isolated from society and 'left behind'.  What a quandary!

Nobody likes a moaner huh? Unless it is a common cold of course and then everyone weighs in with the sympathy! :D  But that is gone within a few days.....  Aww!   I actually feel like I am getting flu most days, or suffering from the remains of a hangover?   I have felt like that for over 8 & 1/2 years now and counting!

But, I am fine!

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